The bizarre symptoms and attempts to remedy a broken heart

Immediate onset of feeling of physical vacancy in chest.
depression. guilt. anxiety.
insomnia.
masturbation.
benedryl.
pornography.
manual labor.
sexual fantasy.
start a novel.
bed time mental images of every colleague, coworker, acquaintance, store clerk and t.v. personality, all of superior sexual prowess, satisfying previous partner to excess
spontaneous fits of laughter/crying
random eruption of expletives and cursing
read the bible.
yoga.
masturbation.
reorganization of books by American authors chronologically and timelined to historically significant events and influence.
read dictionary.
start a novel.
redact names.
throw out novel.
1001 Spanish verbs.
research active statutes and penalties for screwing a colored girl.
read thesaurus.
book of statistics.
masturbation.
confront and harass police officers.
removal, addition and removal of songs in catalog of car ride and coital significance.
push ups.
cooking.
lethargy.
determination.
masturbation.
xanax.
melatonin.
packing and unpacking of personal effects.
plans to evacuate geographic vicinity.
removal of scents, sights, and belongings of partner.
pacing.
excessive consumption of coffee.
writing.
begin another novel.
optimism of a series of events.
realism of a series of events.
masturbation.
acceptance.

vino roja

I am sitting on your home now. Too nervous and stressed to write. I need to write...and now I return with beer and wine. Always helps to loosen my hand. I pour your wine first and set it in front before I open my beer. Put on some music, smell the wine, like you I see it. I want to take it, pull it close, my nose in it smelling the aroma of your hair and neck. and grapes. and fruit. The smooth wine glass reminds me of the soft perfection of your lips.
Your kiss grows deep and rolls like the wine over my tongue. I breathe out my nose and savor your sweetness.

amor timida

I know her eyes and shyness watching me
not knowing if to run or trust
her defiant laughter when challenged.
and her soft murmers alluring me
hardened before, but her softness shows
with the light chocolate brown gaze she lay on me
I am silenced, and observing
the clues of all of you, with an arm stretched my direction
and her eyes enticing me
to the soft lips
her restraint as she wants to push more near
something will not let her, until, as the kiss lingers
you let me in. sharing yourself. in these blessed moments
we touch, eyes open, in love

Narrative of a Narcissist

3:57 a.m. June 8th. He lay and watch the figment of the room in shadows. The memory and sleepiness creating a fog of his mind . He knows the length of the bed from his feet slightly hanging off and his forearms above him on the cool wood of the head board.
For three minutes he plays the mathematics in his mind. The dimensions of the room in light and dark.  The perceptible bulb of cold air emanating from the window, the number of paces to the door. Four. The length of the shadows of books drawn on the wall by the flashing alarm clock

4:00 a.m.
blink blink blink.

A cold coffee and cigarette, he packs sandwiches for the day. Bread and mustard and meat, a pickled egg, setting in ice, the truck started and warming. A cough as he inhales another cigarette and the cold air in the cab. Slow past the elk and deer grazing, past the old store and to the dirt roads.

The dew on the pine needles and ferns appeared grew until the sun first showed itself. Hinting at morning. His hands pink and cold holding the steering wheel, dialing the heater down so he can take the cool now and reduce the shock of getting out of the truck into the cold forest air.

Unloaded the tools and sharpen the saw before walking into the brush. The overflow from the bar oil and mix fuel dripping on his shoulder as he sets out. Cold bar of the saw drawing the warmth from him.
The birds start their chatter as comes the sun.

8:00 a.m. Weary but not broken. The tree on the ground, marked, measured and cut. The burdens drawn uphill through the rough path laid with his boots. A path traveled and retraveled until the tasks done. The load tied down and the tools loaded. The slow ride home.

He flattens the grass in his tracks the way he'd entered. Green to be gold soon, it lay over for him. The smell of grass and mountain flower perfume being pressed from under his tires.

The road home is always the longest will a full load and an empty belly. Nerves ascue from coffee and cigarettes and labor all day. To the home silent with aches and exhaustion. Dinner and a drink suffered alone. Without much thought given to anything that is not rest or a belly full.

A hot cup of coffee and the confines of the walled room. The dimensions more familiar. The feeling of the cold sheets as his body lay to them. The light falling from his eyes faster than the sun from the sky.  Thy day is done. The cold closing his mind. The days to come.

S.I.D: 15231999

46 months.
36 State.
10 Federal

Those are the numbers and allotments my little brother owes in correctional institutions. On October 4th he will turn 32 years old, in prison. He can't borrow on that time and no one can stow it and draw on it as rations.
46 months little brother.
Felon in possession of a firearm
Felon in possession of a firearm
Menacing
Harassment
Assault IV
Assault IV
Assault on a police officer
Theft of forestry product
Theft
Grand theft
DUII

I tried to write the letters flowery and stern and thought I could publish them here. Perhaps you'd be so inspired by the words and our correspondence would lift us to another level of brotherhood, but that has yet to come.
It's just 46 fucking months.
There is nothing that takes the sting from it and your absence is profound. In all the my reading and writing there is nothing that works to sooth or romanticize it. No quotes to share, no hooks, no syllables to bounce to 46 months.

I miss you little brother.
I love you.
I'm going to kick your ass when you get out fat boy.

So for those who read this give a toast to him for me. Raise a glass or shoot your guns in the air and recite a little prayer that's about as eloquent as he or I can be...

fuck the police

Oracion

Padre
O Madre
O Damas y caballeros
porque quitas mi amante
mi luz y mi alma
mi hija, mi sol
y mi hermano encarcelado
prestame algo, la mitad de tu taza
O un abrazo, un beso, un dolar
pero siento tus manos
de hielo en mi cuello, y dolor
ensenarme tu paciencia
tu amor, tu cordura

perdoname.
amen.